Whew! I almost forgot how to log in.
A little flashback, shall we?
Friendly note: best read *after* you read the whole book, 10th anniversary edition! Skip to part 2 if you don't want to read my nostalgia
#1
A friend lend me her copy of 13RW way waay back when we were high school sophomores (juniors? In a three-year high school scheme, what are you if you’re in grade 11? Junimore? Sophior?) She liked the book so much and, knowing a bookworm that I was (still am), thought I would enjoy it. I stopped halfway through when it became too heavy for me. You can just feel Clay’s frustration and hopelessness seeping through the pages straight to your skin. Those feelings.
Maybe that was tape seven or eight when I quitted (Nope. Didn’t even get to the juicy parts did we).
I almost forgot about it.. til a virtual stumble with another old friend when Netflix just turned it into a series. She gushed at how good it is, suggesting me to watch, assuring that no it was not heavy… no it is just your regular series about high school kids doing what high school kids do… yes go watch it why not?
So I did. And boy the day I watched the last episode (yes, *that* episode, this was before they added trigger warning) – wasn’t that the darkest, heaviest day of my life (in retrospect, I haven’t been through a lot). The episodes with Clay and Zach might have wounded me, the last two traumatized me.
However in my attempt to understand better, I bought the book. Read it, reviewed it. And I moved on. Left it for about three years. Couple month ago I re-read it again. My headspace now as a mature general physician is arguably more secure, though messy still. But through the years I’ve grown and learned to be honest to myself, to allow myself to feel things that make me uncomfortable, to let my heart be vulnerable and resilient at the same time.
In a way, you can say I re-read (and re-reviewed) this book the same reason why Clay journeyed through every red stars in the map Hannah left as he listened to the tape.
Because I, too, need to understand.
—
#2
I realized how the first time I reviewed this book, ~3 years ago, I was deflecting. I blocked some of the harder plots and made light of some others in my head. Maybe I wasn’t mature enough to understand, and in some parts which I didn’t, I unintentionally ignored. But isn’t that the beauty of growing up and of re-reading? You always, always, learn something new every time.
1. The heartbreak between what we first understood to be her last words: “I’m sorry,” (tape 7A) to her actual last words, “thank you.” (7B). Between these two moments I practically hold my breath.
I didn’t realize then, this ‘last words’ debacle.. and its parallel to the last scene between Clay and Skye (which the series kind of ruined btw!)*. It was tranquilizing – in a particularly sick way – how Hannah’s last feeling was not that of shame, anger, nor even loneliness, but acceptance, almost of gratitude, even. As a Muslim, I was taught that suicide is a great sin, that the only thing it ensure is a VIP ticket to Hell. I wanted so bad for another chapter to emerge, saying she somehow survived. Knowing she at least had her peace in her last moments helped ease the pain (also telling myself multiple times: this isn’t real, this is fiction, this is just fiction…)
“I’ve heard from so many people who said that by acknowledging they wanted Hannah to live, despite all the pain and hopelessness she expressed, they realized they are also worthy of the choice to live. And they’re absolutely right.”
-JAY ASHER, AUTHOR
Preach, Mr. Asher
*no hate to the series. considering it wasn’t my cup of tea I found in unexpectedly appealing. and it helps me better understand some parts of the book, too
2. The gem from the author’s reflection
It’s always better to read fictions with preface/afterword by the author because there’s definitely more lessons learned there, that I wouldn’t have learnt otherwise. This story breaks you, but upon reading Asher’s preface and postscript, you’ll see how it’s wrapped with hope 💕 Because at the end of the day, even Hannah accepted what it all came down to: her giving up on herself. In our hopeless anger toward her decision, we learn how unacceptable this is, and so hopefully we’ll never let ourselves nor our closed ones closing in on this same decision… ever.
3. Open up, open up, open up. And learn not to push people away. And listen to others around you. Listen to what is said and unsaid.
Am I an avoidant when it comes to relationship? Not really. But I’ve done my fair share of pushing people away for better or for worse. That some of Hannah’s choices were what I would’ve done had I been in her position was a rough wake-up call.
“People need to feel understood, or to know they will be understood if they open up and reach out. Otherwise, they won’t reach out. So please, don’t let a book be anyone’s first time feeling understood.”
-Jay Asher, author
Again, preach, Mr. Asher. Wish you had been the one giving trigger warning and a little speech before Tape 1, Side A even aired.
4. And.. my favorite #lessonlearned from the last time I read this book, re-phrased: how not doing something (or a ‘nonincident’ – as Hannah put it) can have effects just as profound as the incident itself.
That the lack of interaction can be just as influential as the actual confrontation. That if you know what you did – or didn’t – in the past could’ve changed yesterday, what you do today may just as well change the future.. and hopefully to the better 😇
Again as a Muslim this makes me reflect: in what you do and do not do, ask for His guidance every time.
I’d like to close this with something for you to ponder.
The dual narrative in the book has helped us understand what was Clay and Hannah thinking at every events. I believe these happened in close periods (I also believe presenting them in columns like this would help you picture it)
“I was too weak to walk. At least, I thought I was too weak. But in truth, I was too weak to try.” -Hannah
“Maybe you didn’t know what people thought of you because they themselves didn’t know what they thought of you. Maybe you didn’t give us enough to go on, Hannah.” -Clay
“I would have helped her if she’d only let me. I would have helped her because I want her to be alive.” -Clay
What if… and humor me, what if, when you feel hopeless on your own, someone around you is actually the guardian angel sent specifically to help you out, and all you need to do is say the password to to unlock his/her strings of comforting words, safe embrace, selfless aids?
What if?
PS: Mental illness is as serious as physical ones, if not more. I’m not a mental health professional, so if you need one, apology in advance. HOWEVER I’m all ears if you just want anonymous one to upend your frustration. Just make sure to bombed the comments cause I’d probably missed the first few notifications (again, sorry in advance).
Sending loves and serenity thru this mess we call world wide web.
Signing out with warmth, xoxo
Firsty Writes! 